It's hard reliving this shit. I was in therapy for the last 4 or so years of my 6 year marriage to #2. Even in therapy, I believe I lied. Not on purpose. Facing truths about the person you are SO in love with as well as facing truths about yourself is a hard thing. Especially when you're so fucked up, like I was. The purpose of writing this is to finally let myself off the hook...all these years of my life later!!! In order to do that I believe I have to dig deep and be TRUTHFUL...to myself!
My marriage to #1 was fucked and it did fucked up things to me, but NOTHING in my miserable life compares to what I lived through with #2. Not even being sexually exploited as a kid, teenager and young adult. Nothing. And through the agony, tears, heart wrenching internalized screams, I convinced myself that he loved me, was a GREAT guy and that it was I who was unworthy of his love.
He was beautiful, intelligent, articulate, funny...he sang to me, danced with me, told me how wonderful and beautiful I was and while doing this, was one of the sickest individuals I'd ever come in contact with. He fooled a lot of people, not just me. I think I helped him in this endeavor. Again, not purposely. My own fucked-upedness was what drove me to do this. Facing the truth might have killed me at that point in my life. I say this in all sincerity. I loved my kids, but I hated myself and the slightest thing could have set me over the edge. I thank myself, now, for lying. I think it's the reason I am still alive. Now I am prepared to face the truth...stare it down...and FORGIVE MYSELF...and LIVE!
No comments:
Post a Comment