time marches on

#1 and I fought...a lot. I wanted/needed more attention than he could give me. How much attention can an addict give another person. Really? He didn't like to be touched. If I snuggled up to him in bed he would tell me he didn't like his chest to be touched or he'd comment on what a "slut" his friends had told him I was. I learned not to initiate sex or touch too much. Eventually, my needs would lead to a fight. They would become demands and begging and threats to take the kid and leave. Deep down I knew that sex didn't equal love, but sex was the attention I had gotten from males my whole life, so to me it was the only attention I deserved and if this person who CLAIMED to love me didn't want me sexually, then my whole world came crashing down on me. And I would cry and beg and threaten.

We'd separated for a few months during my pregnancy. We'd gone to live with my parents. My father had disowned me when he found out I was pregnant. My mother told us we could move in. This was a BAAAAD idea from the get-go. We had dogs & my parents said, no dogs. We were unemployed & underemployed and starting a family, we could stay with them just to get on our feet. He started working for them. BAAAAD idea number two! Eventually it all got to be too much and he took off to get his dogs and move in with some guy he'd met somewhere. I was welcomed to do as I pleased, but the child I was carrying was his. After about a month he  moved out with the guy and went back to his father's home, 1000+ miles away from me. Asked me to move with him. Life with my parents was miserable, constantly hearing how I'd fucked up. My pregnancy was miserable, I had morning sickness all the time. I left and went to him.

Life at his father's house was nightmarish. His father was a drunk. Stumbling, muttering, sometimes scary drunk. #1 left me home alone a lot. He worked or went out with friends to get drunk or high or both. I was left in this cramped railroad apartment with his judgmental sister or drunken father. So I begged to go out with him. 7 months pregnant & hanging out in a smoke filled cocaine & beer inspired room with the father of my unborn child & his friends. Sometimes I would just take off and go into the city to stay with a friend of mine. No word to anyone about where I was going. He would find me and beg or threaten me to come back. I always did.

When our child was born, we moved out of his father's place and into our own cramped quarters. It was better, but not by much.

I'd like to add, as a side note, that I was in labor for over a day & although he wasn't allowed in the delivery room with me, he stayed at the hospital until our child was born and made all the phone calls to family & friends. He was so excited, the nurses thought he was adorable! Then he promptly went out with friends and did massive amounts of coke to celebrate the birth of his child.

It's a healing process

Since I marry addicts/alcoholics, I will term them #1 & #2. It seems apropos since that's exactly where both these marriages ended...in the toilet.

I was with #1 for ten years. Wow, right?!?! Two kids. It was a struggle most of the time, getting along, finding things in common. Again, we were young & both looking for someone to love us. Both of us felt unlovable, for a myriad of different reasons. I just don't think we knew it at the time. We certainly didn't express the sentiment. I'd like to think that we did love one another in our own special ways.
We met through our social network of punks/skins. We both used drugs/alcohol. We did it in different ways. He did it to escape. I did it out of boredom & I think I had a bit of a death wish as well. Not like "oh god, i want to die" on the surface, but simmering below the surface...it had always been there. It's still there now, just in a different way. Or maybe I just understand it better. I dunno.

I remember telling my good friend, when she asked me why the hell I was with #1, it was because he remembered my name. Most other guys, who am I fooling, ALL other guys, at the time, just wanted to lay me. I pretty much thought that was fine. What else was I worth, what else were THEY worth? I used to refer to men as cockroaches. Step on one & another crawls out of the woodwork. I liked the power I had over the male species. They are suckers for pussy.

Back to subject. I think I also wanted stability. I'd left my parents' home at 17. Finished HS, got into that prestigious Uni & fell in with people I could relate to. I CRAVED male attention!!!!! My father had disowned me so many times by then, I'd lost count. My mother always allowed me back home for visits, holidays mainly. I really didn't want to be there. I was an embarrassment to my father. Here's where the "daddy" issues pops in. I wanted acceptance & love...UNconditional love from my father so I married a man who was the polar opposite!!!! And I did it...TWICE!!!!!! Can you say, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?" boys & girls...

first attempt...bear with me

First off I would like to say I am no writer. I'll leave that to my wonderful sibling. I recently read a book regarding someone's addiction. Do we need so many tell-all books on addiction? I think we do. Addiction is SO misunderstood!!! Even by me...still. Am I an addict? No, not really. I just marry them.

The first time around, I was young. Very young. Using & abusing drugs and alcohol. Not addicted though, just bored. I met this guy & we used together. I think we were both "damaged goods" before we met. There was a mutual attraction and we had music and our use of substances in common. The difference is, I got bored early on and decided to quit. That was the end of it for me. I'd spent the better parts of 1983 - the early part of 1988 high or drunk or a combination of the two. Then one night, I looked around at the two of us, plus a friend or two, on (what I recall) our second 8-ball of coke and said, "I quit". And I did just that.

Months later, I became pregnant. I decided to keep it. I was clean, he wasn't. Why would anyone in their right mind decide to raise a child with someone who regularly abused substances? I have no answer for that aside from the "damaged goods" thing. Mind you, I have always been considered an intelligent person. Straight As in school, accepted into one of the country's finest institutions for higher learning (which I fucked up due to the drugs, etc).

I was perpetually seeking love and acceptance from anyone I could. I am not sure I realized this until very recently. I have, more or less, despised myself throughout most (if not all) of my life. Having a child would get me this love and acceptance I so desperately needed. So I had a kid. I have NO regrets about this decision. I have had two children and loved them unconditionally from moment number one. I have raised them virtually on my own and although they are far from perfect, they are WONDERFUL human beings!!!!