It's a healing process

Since I marry addicts/alcoholics, I will term them #1 & #2. It seems apropos since that's exactly where both these marriages ended...in the toilet.

I was with #1 for ten years. Wow, right?!?! Two kids. It was a struggle most of the time, getting along, finding things in common. Again, we were young & both looking for someone to love us. Both of us felt unlovable, for a myriad of different reasons. I just don't think we knew it at the time. We certainly didn't express the sentiment. I'd like to think that we did love one another in our own special ways.
We met through our social network of punks/skins. We both used drugs/alcohol. We did it in different ways. He did it to escape. I did it out of boredom & I think I had a bit of a death wish as well. Not like "oh god, i want to die" on the surface, but simmering below the surface...it had always been there. It's still there now, just in a different way. Or maybe I just understand it better. I dunno.

I remember telling my good friend, when she asked me why the hell I was with #1, it was because he remembered my name. Most other guys, who am I fooling, ALL other guys, at the time, just wanted to lay me. I pretty much thought that was fine. What else was I worth, what else were THEY worth? I used to refer to men as cockroaches. Step on one & another crawls out of the woodwork. I liked the power I had over the male species. They are suckers for pussy.

Back to subject. I think I also wanted stability. I'd left my parents' home at 17. Finished HS, got into that prestigious Uni & fell in with people I could relate to. I CRAVED male attention!!!!! My father had disowned me so many times by then, I'd lost count. My mother always allowed me back home for visits, holidays mainly. I really didn't want to be there. I was an embarrassment to my father. Here's where the "daddy" issues pops in. I wanted acceptance & love...UNconditional love from my father so I married a man who was the polar opposite!!!! And I did it...TWICE!!!!!! Can you say, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?" boys & girls...