first attempt...bear with me

First off I would like to say I am no writer. I'll leave that to my wonderful sibling. I recently read a book regarding someone's addiction. Do we need so many tell-all books on addiction? I think we do. Addiction is SO misunderstood!!! Even by me...still. Am I an addict? No, not really. I just marry them.

The first time around, I was young. Very young. Using & abusing drugs and alcohol. Not addicted though, just bored. I met this guy & we used together. I think we were both "damaged goods" before we met. There was a mutual attraction and we had music and our use of substances in common. The difference is, I got bored early on and decided to quit. That was the end of it for me. I'd spent the better parts of 1983 - the early part of 1988 high or drunk or a combination of the two. Then one night, I looked around at the two of us, plus a friend or two, on (what I recall) our second 8-ball of coke and said, "I quit". And I did just that.

Months later, I became pregnant. I decided to keep it. I was clean, he wasn't. Why would anyone in their right mind decide to raise a child with someone who regularly abused substances? I have no answer for that aside from the "damaged goods" thing. Mind you, I have always been considered an intelligent person. Straight As in school, accepted into one of the country's finest institutions for higher learning (which I fucked up due to the drugs, etc).

I was perpetually seeking love and acceptance from anyone I could. I am not sure I realized this until very recently. I have, more or less, despised myself throughout most (if not all) of my life. Having a child would get me this love and acceptance I so desperately needed. So I had a kid. I have NO regrets about this decision. I have had two children and loved them unconditionally from moment number one. I have raised them virtually on my own and although they are far from perfect, they are WONDERFUL human beings!!!!