unfeeling me

I got everything I wanted in the divorce...the kids. #1 was sad, I wasn't. I couldn't understand why he would be sad. We didn't LIKE one another. What's to be sad about??? The visitation schedule was set by the courts. He got every other weekend and had to pay a pittance in child support. I was fine with that. Because we now lived two-plus hours away from each other, I had to pay half of his driving expenses when he came to pick up the kids and he had to pay half mine when I drove them to him. I usually ended up paying ALL of mine and MOST of his. I would stash cash in my daughter's bag, just in case, so they could eat while visiting him. The judge ordered that #1 could NOT consume any alcohol or drugs while with the kids. When we went to court, #1 proudly admitted to his drug/alcohol (ab)use. He never paid attention to that. He would pour beer into old Pepsi cans. Our daughter was 9 years old & not stupid. She was unaware of the stipulation of the courts, but knew Dad drunk was a bad thing. I tried talking to #1 about this. I appealed to what I thought was in there...a normal, sane father who wanted what was best for his kids in a not so great situation. I told him I wanted him to be a part of their lives and I didn't want to have to go back to court because of the alcohol use. It's two fucking days out of your life, twice a month!!!! Nope.

As a matter-of-fact, things got worse. Within months of my leaving and our pending divorce, #1's new girlfriend moved in with him. Great. She was more nuts than he was. Twice, during their relationship, while the kids were visiting, I got a call from the local police after midnight, telling me I had to drive down there to pick up my kids. #1's girlfriend was on a rant & they were fighting & neighbors phoned the police. I felt forced to go back to court. That is when #1 decided the kids were better off without him. The courts ordered that the woman not be allowed alone with the kids. #1 had to abstain from drinking (yeah right) and it was up to me to decide when and if they should visit with him. This was his idea...he loved this woman and wouldn't kick her out.

From 1998 (when this was decided) until mid 2007, when we left that state, my children visited with their father a hand-full of times. He'd been through a few women. One he was planning on marrying. This was one time he tried with the kids. He started picking them up about once a month for almost 4 months. Then we stopped hearing from him. I finally reached him by phone, after like 3 months, only to find out that the wedding probably wasn't going to happen. The woman was in the hospital, after a series of mini strokes and they were running tests. She quickly faded & passed away. #1 called to tell me this. I was sad for him. That's when he told me the most shocking news NO ONE ever wants to hear: she died from complications from AIDS. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!? He said they didn't know she was even HIV positive. What about you, I asked.
He'd been tested, he'd let me know the results as soon as he knew. I was in a tailspin!!!! The results came quickly, he was positive. I think my world went blank at that moment. How do I tell my kids??? One was 14 & the other was just under 10 years old.

I got them a dog. And then I told them. The father of my children has been living (poorly) with HIV for over 9 years now. My kids have to think about this every day of their lives. Since the diagnosis, he has disappeared from their lives for years at a time. We don't know where he is, we don't know IF he is. It's been a struggle, to say the least.

Roughly 6 months ago, he decided to try to be a part of their lives. For 15 + years, he has not tried to get to know them. He is a virtual stranger to them. But they are giving him a chance. I think my (grown) kids are PHENOMENAL!!!!!!!!!!!